Cortez versus the timesheet
by William Shakespeare (questionable)
Scene: Della's office
|Cortez||Good day, Della.
|Della||How goes it with thee, Cortez?
|Cortez||Methinks just dandy. Mine eyes perceive that thou art doing
exceptionally well thyself, nay?
|Della||Verily, I do indeed fare well. Thy presence is always welcome.
|Cortez||As thou shalt recall, the candlestick holder thou now usest
here on thy desk doth be the very one which I used for two years.
|Della||Aye, until Duck the candlekeeper gave thee a greater one to
thy artistry so that thou canst paint the paintings so beautiful, in accordance with thy reputation.
|Cortez||Believest thou truly that my paintings are beautiful?
|Della||I am merely a lowly bookkeeper. Who am I to judge the
of thy work? I would not know what qualities are beautiful and desirable unto me?
|Cortez||Well, anyway, Della, I wondered if perchance thou wouldst
me the opportunity to relay the gold on the gold on the etchings on thy
candlestick. I am afraid lest some cloths which I used to clean this
very candlestick were found infected with a gold-eating virus that
would spread to any candlestick with which the cloths came in contact.
|Della||Proceed. A new finish of gold would make my candlestick
anew. I even suspected something wasn't quite right with that candlestick, but I trust thee to make amends.
|Cortez||(as he worketh)
Della, I wanted to ask about the amount
wages given me the last fortnight. I know I was sick a bit and should be duly
docked for missing work, but I also believe that perchance I was dockt an extra day's earnings.
|Cortez||I was dockt for Christmas eve, yet the owner said that we
should be paid for that as a holiday, whether we were here or not.
|Della||Hmmm. Perhaps. But, that was only for a half of a day.
Thou seemedst to imply a full day's earnings.
|Cortez||But I was here for another half a day on Wednesday. I can
prove it because that was when I stupidly turned in my cheque to buy part of this company, as a part owner.
|Della||[Aside: The term "stupid" is rather self-flattering
the fact that the value of the company is worth half of what it
was when he bought into it such a short time ago.] Oh, I see. Thou seemest correct indeed as verified
by mine attendance records. Of
course, before I can pay thee, I must process the request and get the treasurer to release the
funds. But, I am glad thou caughtest my mistake.
|Cortez||I believe that is what thou saidst when I askt thee a while
concerning another oversight you made on a reimbursement the firm was to make unto me, but I must
admit that I was glad that thou personally deliveredst to my desk.
|Della||Art thou through with the candlestick?
|Cortez||Yes, I believe so. The gold is the finest available for
|Della||I am really glad you came by and took care of my candlestick
woes--be they imaginary or real.
|Cortez||Perchance thou wouldst like to go to the restaurant for
|Della||Alas, I am overwrought. But, I thank thee for asking.
Cortez goeth over to Spike's office
|Cortez||I just went to see Della, to ensure that her candlestick was
not marred by the virus. I am not sure what to think of her.
|Spike||Didst thou go through the procedure? If so, then you must
think that she is rid of the candlestick virus for good.
|Cortez||The candlestick virus. Aye, she could not have it. But, why
she erred twice recently on payments due to me? She could not be incompetent since she
has served flawlessly for many years even before I commenced my labours with this artists'
|Spike||Perhaps the Treasurer has ordered her to try to cheat
order to boost the coffers of the company; but, if they catch her, then it is permissible
for her to make corrections, claiming a casual miscalculation,
to avoid detection of their secret scheme.
|Cortez|| Perchance it's more personal. Maybe she is fond of me and
makes the mistakes knowing that I must spend time
conversing with her in order to have them corrected.
|Spike||More likely, it's that she's trying to personally shaft thee
because thou buggest her too much by doing things like polishing a candlestick
which was probably fine to begin with.
|Cortez||Well, anyway, when shall we release our newest painting in
the Omicron collection?
|Spike||I think thine idea to add an audio violin score to accompany
painting is a superb idea. We are just waiting on Jill,
the artistic directrix, to tell us who wants the painting with your audio accompaniment.
|Cortez|| OK, let me return to my office and resume my composition.
Cortez goeth to his own office; Dirk cometh in.
|Dirk|| Cortez, I have some good news. Fox, the shopmaster, will
leaving, for the owners are very upset about the recent
devaluation of the company. They need someone to blame.
|Cortez|| And how dost thou know this?
|Dirk|| I just do. And, by the way, I hereby now require thee to log
thine activities on a time sheet. Thou must use cryptic codes, acquired from various
sources, for all of thine activities. In order to compensate for the extra time
necessary to assume these new accounting duties, thou must
work more each day.
|Cortez||O misery! Coded timesheets. I must mark down my every move.
How will I cope?
|Fox|| Cortez, I have some good news. I am looking for a new
for the artists that will give you a clear direction in all thy tasks?
|Cortez||What about Dirk? Is he not my taskmaster?
|Fox|| He is not effective, for I have burdened him with too many
responsibilities. The owners are very upset about the recent
devaluation of the company. They need someone to blame.
|Cortez||(to himself)What is this?
Timesheets--the thought makes me sick. I
am getting sick. I better not make my hourly stroll to the watering hole because
I know not how to enter it on my timesheet.
Days later -- Cortez hath become extremely sick for various
reasons, but especially dehydration, but recognizeth not the dehydration
although he has noticed many signs such as dark urine and eyes
which are blocked up.
In Cortez' office, Della entereth
|Della||Here are thy wages for the fortnight.
|Cortez||Thank [ cough ] thee, Della. What [cough] about [cough] the
illness pay [ cough, cough, cough ]?
|Della||It's in there. Although, from the looks of things, I'm not
sure if I ought to pay thee for to-day.
|Spike||Is thy new audio accompaniment ready for the Omicron release
|Cortez||I've been too busy updating my timesheet. I come in and
starting time. But then I note that I've been working on
my timesheet for 5 seconds to log the time so I put 5
seconds in the spot for working on the timesheet, but
by the time I write 5 seconds, it
hath then been 6, and when I have written 6 seconds, it hath been 7, and so forth all day long.
|Spike||Thou didst not answer my question.
My tongue! It doth be dry! Since there is no
watering-hole slot on this timesheet, I have not been able to go
to the watering hole all week. Curst be the timesheet! I vow never
again to miss my hourly quaffing of water. I may make it twice an hour just
to ensure my health. Water! Water! My paltry riches for some water!